My response to A friend's Blog Post re: Her Views on Marriage

It is often said that persons who have had super negative experiences with the opposite sex should abstain from giving advice on relationships. Well, I strongly disagree. I think we who fall under that bracket, are the best at telling you what NOT to accept, and the negative signs to look out for, that will allow you to bail out, before it's too late...

You can read my friend's post and check out her blog here

This is my response:

Honey, what can I say? I am a big cynic when it comes to marriage. My whole
family has been totally “salt” when it comes to this controversial matter. My
grandma’s own had longevity, but it certainly wasn’t without problems, but in
those days the ol’ folks stuck it out through thick and thin – a quality to be
admired that is highly lacking now, but yet, a quality that can be questionable
at the least in some instances, such as abuse, etc.

I think divorces have their role in society, but as usual the human race abuses a perfectly good procedure and as expected it comes right back down to their own selfish and narcisstic gains, just like religion, money, and politics (but more on that in a future convo).

So, with all that said, are you unreasonable in your demands? Hell no, I
say! We as a people need to get back some of those old school ways and good ol’
values that were taught to us by our parents and grand parents. We need to get
back a sense of responsibility, morals, unselfishness, and an overall positive
sense of well being, and it doesn’t only apply to marriage or personal
relationships on a whole, but additionally to everything in our life. We have
lost that sense of connectedness and unity. We have become selfish and
individualistic in so many ways. It is the biggest cause of most of our problems
now (marriage included for sure!).

I, as a fellow sista, say I will never get married (yes I am psychic lol). And not because I don’t believe in it, but because my standards are just as high as yours, and call me a cynic, but I don’t see anybody who meet my high criteria, and I just don’t think they make ‘em that way anymore. Men and women alike are just not molded with the same values as they used to be 10 years ago much less 30-50 years ago.

So with that said, my charge to you upon deciding to jump the broom is to:

- Be 100% sure (not even 99.9%) that he is the right man for you and that you are making the right decision. And I am not talking about your usual jitter bugs or nerves, but rather, your gut feeling and instinct should never be triggered in any manner that could be interpreted as “off” or “odd” even.

- Know that neither he nor yourself are perfect, but certain basics should definitely be there:- respect, communication, communication, communication, communication, sincerity, loyalty, etc.

- Compatibility has to be there. This doesn’t mean you and him should be exactly the same in your personalities or likes and dislikes, but your
differences should complement one another.

- Make sure you live with him for at least 3-6 months getting near to that level of commitment (marriage of course). Not everybody, but often enough, most, are bound to show their true colours sooner or later in a living situation. They may not turn out to be evil, but everybody has their quirks and flaws, make sure such are those you can learn to adapt to in his case. As we Jamaicans love to say “Come see me and come live with me are two different things”.

- Meet his family and friends! A family member of mine who got married not very long ago is having huge problems now and the in-laws are one of the primary causes. Trust me, they usually form a big part of the pieces that connects your marriage together in a neat tidy puzzle. The less untidyness (sp?), the better.

- What do you consider to be a compromise or sacrifice? How much are you willing to compromise on and sacrifice? Ask yourself those questions then do the same with your partner. Then make sure that both of you come to a consensus that you are both willing to put 50-50 at stake for the happiness of the other. It must be equal on both sides, no matter what people say about love not costing a thing, if there is no equilibrium and it’s not costing you now, then it will definitely start to cost you later– probably emotionally, socially, sexually, and/or even financially, etc. So decide from
now what is important to you while considering what’s important to him, and make
this clear from jump.

- Make sure you share common principles when it comes to finances. This is one of the top factors that screams divorce at the given time. I would personally say make sure that you have a personal account outside of the merged one that you keep confidential. I don’t think anything is wrong with this concept. It’s not about being sneaky or calculating. Anything can go wrong. You want to have a back up always. Consider it as your long term “get vex money”.

I think I have yakked on long enough lol. However, once you decide to get married
I wish you all the best!

Disclaimer: Obviously there are "good" people out there. I generalized to make the point that they are rare. And of course, I also acknowledge that in rare instances you may meet the person you think may be "THE ONE", but for whatever purpose of fate, it just didn't work out.